Recently I have found myself watching a little show called Top Chef – I have to try to go on living like Bravo is still as amazing now the Project Runway is on loser Lifetime. I’m DEALING. After having viewed several day-long marathon (be nice, I’m unemployed) I’ve come to some general conclusions about how to be a Top Judge and how not to be a Top Judge.
Top Judge Attributes:
- Be the author of a cookbook in which you include recipes that you’ve actually created and cooked.
- Eat with your fork upside down and/or dip the tip of your knife into your dish so as to sample it.
- Use phrases like, “clean afternotes,” “complex texture,” “delicate sauce,” or “classically French/Italian/insert cooking style”.
- Own a seemingly “trendy” restuarant in New York, Chicago, or LA – preferable all three.
- Have a gourmet salad dressing/spice line sold in grocery stores across the country.
- Be mildly to obviously overweight.
NOT Top Judge Attributes:
- Be the author of a book that is sort of like a cookbook but has no recipes and is instead full of pictures of all the food you’ve tasted that you thought was “really yummy.”
- Use phrases like, “really yummy” “pretty” or “mega-tasty”.
- Dress in Gucci, Prada, or other high end labels with matching high end heels and then proceed to spend significant amounts of time in a KITCHEN.
- Require booze be infused into every dish or you will vote the chef out.
- Be more likely to release a jewelry collection of miniature forks and spoons incrusted with Swarovski crystals than an actual flatware line.
